My (Failed) Breastfeeding Journey | First Time Mom

During the last few weeks of my third trimester, Dan and I finally got around to doing our birth plan. Our midwives discussed breastfeeding throughout the pregnancy and encouraged us to prioritize breastfeeding over formula feeding. They went over the benefits of breastfeeding and painted a picture that we should view formula as a medicine for being unable to breastfeed as opposed to just an alternative form of offering food to a baby  (they were not at all pushy and would’ve respected our decision if we chose to formula feed!). Early in the pregnancy, I knew I wanted to breastfeed and introduce formula as needed (eg. when I’m away or off maternity leave). 

When I woke up from my c-section birth, the nurses instantly pushed Theo to my nipple. He latched on quickly, and I instantly felt this satisfaction that he took to the nipple with ease. I was breastfeeding! During our two-day stay at the hospital, Theo was constantly breastfeeding, and the nurses and midwife offered tips and tricks to get the most out of breastfeeding. 

We had six weeks of postpartum support from the midwives, so they dropped by every week to check up on Theo. The first postpartum visit was a few days after we left the hospital. I remember our midwife weighing Theo and commenting on his weight loss. She observed me breastfeeding and saw that he latched on correctly and was demonstrating the correct sucking and swallowing motions. Regardless, she told us to watch his weight over the next few days. 

A few days passed, and we weighed Theo and texted his weight to the midwife. Instantly, we knew something was wrong when she called us. He was losing weight rapidly and was getting close to the danger zone, so she had Dan rush over to the nearest store to grab some ready-made formula and some slow-flow nipples. I was instructed to continue breastfeeding and used the formula only as a top-up. 

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Our midwife dropped by again. We manually expressed my breasts and confirmed Theo was getting some milk and colostrum, so it was a matter of increasing my milk supply. I was constantly reminded that sometimes, it can take up to a week for milk to come in, especially since I had a c-section birth. My close colleague told me it took a week for her milk supply to come in. So, the best thing to do was continue to breastfeed in case my milk supply was delayed. 

To help the process, our midwife prescribed Domperidone to help promote milk production; advised taking Fenugreek + Blessed Thistle supplements; and had me start power pumping, which was 20 minutes of pumping on one side, 10 minutes rest, and 20 minutes of pumping on the other side after each feed. 

Side note: Since breast pumps are non-refundable, we didn’t want to order one in case we didn’t need it. When we ordered one to power pump, we got one from Amazon from a brand called Bellababy based on its high reviews. Please, for the love of God, do NOT get this! It was horrendous. It came defective on one side (which they refused to acknowledge!). Suction isn’t strong on the non-defective side. Cleaning its million tiny parts was awful. It basically did not work. Our midwife lent us an old Medela pump that worked 1000x better despite its age. See the images below.

For about a week, I was popping Domperidone pills, Fenugreek + Blessed Thistle supplements, and power pumping after every feed. 

During this time, I felt immense guilt and pain. Theo has been starving right underneath our noses. It explained why he could never nap despite being so tired. Even though the formula was meant to be a top-up, Dan and I started to increase our usage behind the midwife’s back. I couldn’t face the fact that he was crying because he wanted milk, and I was trying too hard to produce enough for him to feel content. Even now, whenever I see pictures of Theo around this period, it brings me pain to know he was hungry. 

We did see an increase in my milk supply, but not much. By the end of the day, I was producing a total of ~10-15 ml that we combined with his formula top-up. Since we saw a slight increase in production, my midwife gave us a tiny tube to introduce supplemental feeding that allows the baby to get milk from the breast while also getting formula milk through the tube inserted in their mouth. We did this for almost a week but noticed the little tube cut Theo’s mouth when we withdrew and saw blood one night. 

Eventually, our midwife connected us with a lactation specialist to see if there was anything else we could do. Despite Theo’s great latching, the lactation specialist could determine if something else is at play.

I remember she came to our place late in the afternoon. She asked me how my birth went. She then asked questions such as if my breasts ever felt full or heavy throughout my pregnancy, if anyone in my family had problems breastfeeding, etc. Afterwards, she watched me breastfeed Theo and noted the same thing – his latching was great, and his swallowing motions were good, too. I told her everything we were doing, but my milk supply was still low. 

Afterward, she had me remove my top and face her. She studied my breast not for long. Based on the fact that my breasts never felt full or heavy throughout my pregnancy (I never even had to buy new bras), my low milk supply, and the shape of my breasts, I was diagnosed with Insufficient Glandular Tissue, also known as Breast Hypoplasia. The lactation specialist suspects it was something I was born with since I had no complications with my breasts before or after pregnancy. 

I remember breaking down instantly when she told me about my condition. I knew deep down something wasn’t right after the first week, but I kept my hopes that my milk supply could come, especially with all the additional supplements. I felt bittersweet. On the one hand, I was relieved that we got to the bottom of why I wasn’t producing enough milk and could finally have closure after maximizing all our options; on the other, I felt incredibly guilty for putting Theo through this ordeal and felt disappointed that I wasn’t able to breastfeed, which means no more close bonding sessions. 

Despite receiving the diagnosis, I continued to breastfeed Theo because he was still getting colostrum, and I wasn’t ready to give up the bonding sessions yet. Eventually, we tapered off when he wasn’t latching anymore and found other ways to bond. 

Throughout this entire breastfeeding journey, I’ve never felt as much gratitude as I did towards Dan for those three weeks. He stayed up with me, holding the tube high but not too high that the flow was too fast for Theo and all the power pumping sessions that took nearly an hour. He pushed to explore all options before calling it quits so we don’t have any regrets or what-ifs. He meticulously cleaned all the feeding tubes, pumping tools, nipples, and bottles. 

I’ve never held any belief that breastfeeding was “superior”. It’s not a secret that breast milk has additional benefits. I remember one of my best friends telling me she was shamed for formula-feeding her son because she couldn’t produce any milk, and that made me so mad because at the end of the day, what matters is that the baby is fed. Having gone through it, and seeing my baby cry from hunger, all I wanted to do was shove a bottle of warm milk in his mouth. Luckily, I haven’t been shamed for formula-feeding my son (at least, to my face), but if you are to shame another mom for not breastfeeding, I want you to pause and reflect on yourself first. I do believe formula feeding is becoming more acceptable and less frowned upon. 

I plan to try breastfeeding again when we choose to have our second child. I shared my experience with my mom; she told me she couldn’t produce milk with my older brother but was able to produce milk when I was born. 

To all the new moms and soon-to-be moms, do what’s best for you and your baby, whether that’s exhausting every avenue to increase your milk supply or offering formula from day 1. All that matters is a baby is fed, happy, and healthy! And, never let anyone shame you on how you feed your child!