I can’t believe it’s been a year since Theo was born! We officially have a toddler on our hands. The first 12 months since his birth have been such an incredible blend of bliss, anxiety, stress, and happiness. By no means am I an expert in motherhood and childhood by now, but I’ve learned so much about myself, Theo, and navigating this intense world of parenthood.

Here’s what I’ve learned in my 1st year of being a mom:

Have little to no expectations on how your day will go.

Having to transition from a routine to a routine that is dictated by your child was difficult for me. Every night, I had a loose agenda of what I wanted to do and how the day would shape out. It used to stress me out and agitate me when Theo would disrupt my plans. I learned from one of my favourite fashion influencers (and a new mom with a child 1 month older than Theo) to have minimal expectations for the days and that shifted my thinking. I would still have a list of things I would like to accomplish, but I stopped putting expectations on getting everything done and how the day would shape out. Adapting a little to no expectations for the next day eased a lot of the stress. So what if I didn’t get to run my errand at the mall? I’ll get it done tomorrow or another day. 

Every baby develops at their own pace.

This is cliche but it’s so true. I had an app that would tell me what milestones my child should be hitting and while it was nice to get a general idea, it made me overthink a few times when Theo wasn’t hitting that milestone. For example, he didn’t know how to wave when he turned 1, even though my baby app said most babies around 10-12 months learn to wave. Constantly reminding yourself that every child develops at their own pace will ease a lot of overthinking.

No matter what you do, you’ll be judged.

This one bugs me SO much because as a mom, why would you not want to support and uplift other moms?! Unless you’re doing something incredibly wrong, you’ll be judged for not having the latest Uppababy stroller; for co-sleeping with your baby; for putting them in daycare; for forgetting your baby’s touque in the winter; hell, for even formula feeding a baby! 

The sooner you ignore the whispers and the feeling of being judged, the better it gets. I do what’s best for my family and my baby. My no-name stroller is amazing.

It gets lonely. 

We were grateful that Dan was able to spend the first 5 months at home with us. We were a team and did every activity and outing together. When he went back to work, I found some days to be incredibly lonely. All my friends were at work; my new mom friends were starting to develop their routines and many started to travel. I would enroll in some classes at the local community center only to see that many moms already know each other. I’m grateful that my maternity leave was not all that lonely, but I was not prepared to experience that level of loneliness. I wish I could offer some advice on how to deal with the loneliness, but I don’t have any. Whenever I felt down and didn’t want to bother Dan at work, Theo and I would head out either to the mall, park, or just around the neighbourhood until my mood got better.

Being a full-time, stay-at-home mom is a real job. 

I thought maternity leave would be a blissful blend of childcare and working on my blog or another project. None of that happened until later when my leave was ending. I didn’t realize how quickly a day can go by doing the same repetitive things. When Theo’s napping, there are chores to be done such as dinner prep, laundry, and cleaning up his high chair or toys. When he’s awake, we’re sometimes out grabbing groceries or keeping him entertained so he doesn’t cry. I feel the 8 hours caring for a child and maintaining a home went by faster than my 8 hours at work! So, don’t underestimate how busy a stay-at-home mom can be!

New mom friends can’t replace the old. 

I was seeing my mom friends every week, sometimes 2x a week but the connection was never as strong as the friends I hung out with before Theo was born. I couldn’t gossip or throw a dry joke with the new mom friends as I could with my core group of friends. In a way, I felt the new mom friends I made were good and trustworthy, but in a sense, superficial. It was based on our kids being close in age and we were both first-time moms. 

Support stops fairly quickly. 

Dan and I learned how the support from everyone around us dwindled pretty quickly. After the first week or two, visits stopped and the help (such as groceries or meals) stopped. It’s a very privileged thing to say as many parents out there are without help throughout the journey, but we were bombarded with support leading up to the birth and shortly after. It felt so abrupt to learn those around us stopped checking in fairly quickly. 

Setting boundaries. 

Before Theo, my tolerance for a lot of things was high which is why I typically don’t feel the need to say anything unless it’s something that deeply affected me. With Theo, I’m quick to set up my boundaries on things I don’t like – for example, toxic Chinese parenting styles from my parents or extended family, the pressure to feed or introduce a certain food to my baby, or bringing my baby somewhere I don’t want to. 

Priorities shifting. 

My whole world shifted when I found out I was pregnant. My focus was on this unborn baby and when Theo was born, my focus on him intensified. I no longer care much about shopping and instead, would rather see that money go into his education. I would rather buy Theo toys than get the latest pair of trendy shoes. I used to care about my career, and whilst I still do, I know I’m not as hungry for a promotion anymore. I would still want to be considered for a promotion, but I’m not going to miss out on my son’s childhood to achieve it. It also means I’m more choosy in where I work since I can no longer quit on a whim if I’m unhappy. 

It’s okay to snap.

I remember feeling very guilty the first couple of times when I got overwhelmed and snapped at Theo. I shared this guilt with a few moms and they all shared the same experience and reiterated how normal it was to snap on those bad days. It felt reassuring to know I’m not a “bad mom” for snapping at a crying baby. Sometimes, it is okay to snap when we get overwhelmed. 

It takes time to “go back to how things were”. 

There’s no sexual innuendo here. I mean, it takes time to get back to our previous self, whether that’s fitness stamina, or going back to self-care. During the newborn phase, it was difficult for me to practice self-care because I was stressed and sleep-deprived. I didn’t get back into working out until 5-6 months post-partum. All I’m saying is that just because the baby is finally out, doesn’t mean we bounce back just as fast!

The baby-parent industry is brutal. Learn to tune out the marketing and influencers. 

I don’t follow any baby brands or parent influencers on my social media because raising a kid is expensive and stressful as it is. I don’t want to feel the mom guilt of not spending another $200 on a product that claims to put my kid to sleep instantly. Likewise, I do not need to spend a fortune on baby outfits!

It’s okay to have “negative”  thoughts. 

There were several times when I envisioned life without Theo and all the things I could be doing, or what would happen if I chose not to have Theo, and I recognized that having those thoughts isn’t “negative” nor does it make me a bad mom. I had a chat with my manager who wasn’t able to share these thoughts with her friends out of fear of being judged a bad person. But, it’s natural to think about a life without your child sometimes because I had to make sacrifices. It’s only a problem when you have persistent thoughts related to post-partum depression. 

It’s okay to go back to work. 

My maternity leave ended about 2 months earlier and I remember having this fear of being judged for returning to full-time work before the standard 12-month leave was over. It turns out, it’s common practice for moms to return to work sooner than expected (let’s not forget our neighbours down in the US with no paid maternity leave). Despite not prioritizing my career as much as I used to, I still worked hard for my education and career and I don’t want to give it up. I can never be a full-time stay-at-home mom, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make me a bad mom for wanting a career as well.

You’ll always get unsolicited advice. No matter what. 

No matter how many times I turn down unsolicited advice, you’re still going to get it so it’s better to save your breath and just nod, especially to the grannies at the checkout counter. 

Learn to get things done with a baby. 

I was so inspired by some of my mom friends for taking their newborns across Europe or overseas to Asia that I realized – sometimes, you just need to say “eff it”, and learn to get things done with your baby. Although we try to plan everything to the best of our abilities, Dan and I are in the mindset of adapting our plans to include Theo and making the best of it rather than holding out and waiting for better timing. 

Speaking up for myself and my family.

As someone very patient and non-confrontational, having Theo has given me a voice. I don’t seek drama but if you cross me or my family, I will speak up. Several times I had to speak up when a driver almost hit us, or a careless adult almost ran into Theo! 

The days are long, but the years are short.

A dad said this once and it resonated so much. I constantly think back to when Theo was a newborn and out of nowhere, he turned 1! There are long and difficult days but the year flew by so fast, a part of me wants to hold on to that tiny little potato sack. I never understood the saying “they grow up so fast” until I started watching my son grow up. Similar to my priorities shifting, I don’t want to miss out on Theo’s childhood! I have no regrets putting my career on hold when I was on maternity leave or not travelling to a new country because I can never get back those months with Theo but there’s always a new role waiting for me, or a new country we can explore as a new family.